The One With Have You Ever Loved Somebody So Much, You Could Barely Breathe?

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past, but forgiveness is a healing process of the hurts we neither deserve. The pain and the hardship do linger in my mind from time to time, after all I am just as a normal human being as I could possibly be. However, believing in time heals all the wound is a great relieve. Having not be able to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business. I have learnt from my own experiences, to forgive My Baby’s past pains in my heart, foremostly, I ode mercy temper justice to myself.

It will be my sweetest ending, if life was as simple as the fairytale stories. Truth hurts. Real life is more painful. Despite the pain, it will make you evolve. I am damn proud of myself. I have indeed progressed – from a spoil-selfish-who-never-admits-own-mistakes nor pardon-other -peoples’-faults to a mellow-seeing-the-bigger-picture-in-life person. I have given myself an ample time starting from the date of my sobriety to digest all the breach of trust, the heartache and the infedilities My Baby had done in the back when. I had the space I needed to able to one day said to myself, “I forgive myself, and thus I forgive you”. The perspective is, realizing people make mistakes. My Baby is not an exception, so do I, so do my close friends and, so do people who matter to me the most.. I hurt My Baby for, I seem unable to forgive his past mistakes. Despite his effort to mend things right, his sincerity, his endless apologies, his explanations and his assurance, I put the relationship stuck for four years. I was holding the agony too tight in my heart – just like a steel knife stabbed through my chest.

Without forgiveness, my anger will turn into bitterness and, I will start to question more than just the event that happened. Honestly, I do not need harsh analysis of the situation, nor do I need more pain. Today, I found my solace; forgiving all My Baby’s past errors, forgiving all My Baby’s present errors and forgiving all My Baby’s future errors. Despite still having difficulties in forgetting, the anguish is gone. I would consider the difficulties-in-forgetting as remembered-in-a-healing-way. Previously, I focused too much on the things that My Baby had hurt me, making me miss the goodness and the wonderful blessings I still receive each moment that I spend my  journey with life. I was dealing with so much emotional pain.I was too drunk of my own hate. Right before I realize it, I was suffocated and drown. Today, I refuse to spend much time crying over spilled milk…smile and realize that the glass is not broken. Today, I deny myself in holding the grievances…smile and realize My Baby ought to be given chances to repent his wrong doings. After all, none of us is perfect, and I would want the same equal chances if I had made mistakes. Life is like a Nintendo game, You will get chances till you done it right.

The benefits found in a renewed relationship are well worth the cost of forgiveness. You are able to cast off a burden only God can bear. That is the supernatural power of forgiveness. Through it, God allows us both to start over. In fact, forgiving love allows a relationship to grow even deeper and more meaningful than before. Forgiveness is how you bring your relationship into the light. Today, it is how I set free not only to My Baby, who hurt me. But also how I set myself free and, it allows for reconciliation. God says, “You must forgive because He has forgiven you”. I believe, after awhile the memory of My Baby’s affair will fade. The hurt may remain, but the healing will lessen the pain.

Today, I swore…never to hurt myself in self pity. I swore to never spewing venom in my heart with past suffering. You may play God as much as you want. You may push me, I pull myself back up. You can, all your wish to scratch me, claw me, bite me…I will not fight fire with fire. It will only make the flame goes bigger. You are in your own race, but I control my own ending. Maybe for you, My Baby and I are best to go our separate ways, but I am guessing you really do not know me at all. Because this is today. That was yesterday. Yesterday was over. It is now a different day. I knew I succumb to you the last four years. I knew I said things, did things that I did not mean. And because of that, My Baby and I fell back into the same patterns, same routines. Yes, you had made my relationship with My Baby a crazy ride. But when it comes to Love, you are just a blinded fool. You do not even hear sincerity in your own conscience.

I am neither a pious person nor an angel. I do believe I am a good person. I do believe My Baby has a good heart. I do trust my close friends have good intentions. A pure heart is the window of a good soul. My heart is the place of my silent prayer. My heart is my place that I hear what I am not saying with words. With a heart made quiet by power of harmony, and a very deep power of joy, today, I see into the life of things. I see forgiveness. I have found the solitude I have been longing for. Today, the heart of my heart opens. I am today of  my own product of yesterday. Gladly, I admit the forgiveness My Baby had wanting for so long, had been granted. Today, I have achieved the highest form of Love. Today, I forgive My Baby. Today, I let go the pain…

But there is a secret garden, she hides…

~Nani Mansor~





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