The One With The Language Of A Lover

My relationship with My Baby is not always a bed of roses…

Working life took a toll in our relationship. I was working in Citibank. He was working in Schlumberger. Despite we live under the same roof, and see each other everyday, but the truth was we never really recognized one another. My employment was a very stressful environment. Five days a week I left home at 6 in the morning and came back home at 10 at night. At times, I was required to sacrifice my weekend. I endured that life for five years… The was no home for me, only a house. I was not at ease. The time that was supposed to be our quality bit resulted in endless quarrels, and having him working on a 12 hour shift did not help much to recoup our strain bond. I was stubborn. I never said sorry. I never admitted  my wrong doings. I was so naive to know the meaning of mutual effort. I was so young to understand the meaning of  tender, loving, care…I took My Baby for granted. He was my punch bag…I always thought he will forever be mine.  My heart evermore believes he would be the last person that will hurt me in any way.

To make matters worst between us, a college friend of ours stayed with us. He was just started working. I believed him as a close friend. My Baby believed him to take care of me every time he was out working. One night, while I was sleeping, he came to the room. Indecent sexual advances happened. I was confused. I blamed My Baby for not being there that night. I felt dirty. He asked me not to tell him for our friendship sake. I was so stupid to agree. I swallowed my honour, my pride and my dignity. I cried to sleep that night and many many nights to come…Since that incident, my anger  could not be controlled. Silently, I put My Baby as accountable. Deep down, my conscience knew he was not at fault at all…Months passed, he acted as if nothing really happened. He was even daring to flash his penis every time My Baby was not around. One night, after an argument with My Baby, I broke down to tears and told him what happened. That night itself without any explanation required, My Baby got rid of him. I thought that would help our tautness, but it did not. I still, silently, blame him of what had happened even though my inner voice said the other way around.

We relocated after the incident. My Baby was offered a vacancy in another company. But our relationship still smells trouble. We fought even more. I never see him smile. I was always lonely. My face was only wearing a big frown. I took his love and put it on a shelf. Another blowup happened one night, and My Baby stormed out from the door. He came back home very late and slept on the sofa. I was too arrogant to say anything. One night while he was sleeping on the bed, I borrowed his handphone. That was the first time I ever saw a girl’s picture in his mobile phone. Few pictures to be exact. I woke him up. I demanded an answer. He did not care to explain. That night onwards, he left me every night. At times, he was not at home on weekends. I confronted him. He denied everything. The only thing he said, his love and his feelings towards me turned sour. I felt my world has collapsed. The bizarre thing was, instead of yelling at him. I forgave him and no one is at fault but myself. I saw him lesser and lesser. I spent ample time to think things through. Became a monster does no good. He suggested that we went for a weekend gateway. We stayed  in Theme Park Hotel. That noon, after lunch at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, after much awkward silence, he uttered, “Never had I imagine, I would say this to you. You are the last person that I would ever think to say this to…but I want a break up between us”. I cried. I nodded. Reluctantly, I replied, “Okay”. I knew there was nothing more to say. What happened could never be undone. I knew the fact, though he is still with me, I have been alone all along. We stayed as friends after that. I apprehend that I need to move on with my life. I need to learn that he will never always be with me again. I need to admit to myself, he was just a friend. Few months passed, I told him, I want to move out and be independent. “I never have intention to stay together with her. You do not need to move out. This is our home. Hold your fort,” was his reply. Our relationship was getting better. We talk. We laughed. We joked around. We went for paint ball together. We hang out. We shared stories. We called each other up if we did not have the chance to meet. We texted more often. I became less demanding. I became a human being again. I took time to breathe.  We smiled at each other again. We went to Tiesto along with Bad and Siew in Sepang. Surprisingly, he was acuh tak acuh to spend time with her. If he was having dinner with me, they would argue through the phone. One night, he told me the relationship was over with her…

I changed job. We planned for a holiday in Langkawi. At this point, we remained as friends. A very complicated subject to explain in that time…

I thought he saw I have changed. I thought he saw the new me. I thought we learnt from our mistakes. I thought we learnt from the past. I was wrong…

Another girl came into the picture. She was his colleague. I knew I had enough. I knew I needed to break away. I knew I was not at fault. I did not feel I was his apple of his eyes. That fateful morning, I told him a news. Unexpected news. He did not even bother to listen. He was all head over heals with this new girl. I packed all my stuff and left. I left my cats. I never looked back… I make sure he was never informed of my new address.

Frankly, I never once felt hatred towards My Baby. I forgive his mistakes easily. No matter how hard I tried to refrain myself in contacting him, I did. Few times. His presence still lingers here, and it would not leave me alone. Now, I am bound by the life I left behind. I learnt to be able to be on my feet again. His face haunts my once pleasant dreams. His voice chased away all the sanity in me. It was the hardest phase of my life. True they say, what does not kill you will only make you tougher. My life was so messed up. Everything I saw was upside down. Everything was so fragile. Everything was so shaky. I knew the answer was going back to the roots. I knew I have been ignoring the Almighty for far too long. I started to pray…I started to recite the Holy Quran. I was feeling so humble. I need my inner beauty to shine. I wanted peace…

One night I received a call from My Baby telling me that kuyupP has ran out from the house few days and did not come home. That night itself, I went to the house and found kuyupP  at an abandon house nearby…That was my first time seeing him after few months apart. How I miss him. How I miss his tenderness…his touch, his smell. He was my home. He was my security blanket…I held his hands through all of these years…How I wish he knew, he still have all of me…

After Maghrib, I received a called from My Baby. I did not answer his call. I said to myself, if there was anything urgent, he would SMS me. He did. Balto’s tail was on fire. I was berbelah bahagi. To go, I would see him. Not to go, I just could not closed one eye. After Isyak, I replied his SMS. Thankfully, nothing bad happened to Balto. As I was about to leave the house, “Nak lepak kedai Mamak? Saya nak keluar jumpa Riko“. I replied, “Okay”.  That night we planned to go to Cherating…

After coming back from Cherating, I was not myself. Everything seemed so blurry. The last thing I remembered was blood streaming from my foot…

I was never a believer in evil spirit…

All along my illness, My Baby was there. Every minute of every second of every day…

Three years I was sick.

Few months I was absent from work.

Everyday I struggled.

Emotionally, mentally and physically…

Fast forward to the present, the grass is not always greener, but during the dry spell, we learnt to adapt. We do still quarrel. We do still have different of opinions, but we make the best out of everything. To err is human. We still make mistakes. I learn to trust him again. He learns to gain my trust. Our bond is getting stronger. Our communication is getting better. We learn each other to learn ourselves better. We learn to detach ourselves to be united. It feels like harmony singing in my face. Nothing is to be regretted. Only lessons learnt. One day at a time, I learn to let go of the past. I am not denying the verifiable truth some wounds would not seem to heal. Some pain is just too real. There is just too much that time can not erase. But in due day, infinity will heal the pain…

One thing for sure, one of the valuable taughts  I gain based on my personal reality is forgiveness is the highest form of love.

To love someone so very much can spell doom or heaven…

But there is a secret garden, she hides…

~Nani Mansor~

 

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