The One With The Best I Ever Had

By now the resentment that I am having supposed to ease. That was what I thought, or that was what I assumed it ought to be. Yet, it did not. The temper is pilling up. Whatever I see. Whatever I touch. Whatever I feel. Whatever I smell. Every single little thing exasperates me. This feeling is indescribable. I just do not know what else I should do to overcome these series of unlucky streak. The good luck that I most desire seems so far from fetch. Each and everything I did or I am doing did not or does not work. With a little bit of everything that I have, with a little bit of everywhere, with a little bit of everyone, I do hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel that people always talk about. I do hope to see the silver lining  in every dark cloud that people always say. There is so much to impress. There is no glow in my soul to stand out from the rest. I used to do not care about the loot. What may come, I will deal with it. Talking about what I can do instead of what I can not do to own self, even that is not so. That independent thing I am with. That the glass is always half full instead of half empty. I used to feel certain. All I do is win. Now, with this dismay what more one of a kind can do besides keep on walking. Less than all but more than a few. It is just that, I do not know how much longer I could be in this dark phase, as I am feeling awfully tired.

I do not have the best relationship with my biological father. He was a discipline teacher at a primary school in my hometown. On top of that, he was a religious teacher in which with that combination made him a strict non negotiating father.  When I was a kid, I only saw him as a person who provides to his family; making sure there is a roof on top of our heads and making sure there is food on our plates. Nothing more.

We rarely talked when I was a kid through my teenage years. It was almost a never communication between us especially when he initiated a brief affair with a widow with five children. At that time, my mak was in an early stage of dialysis. How could I possibly wipe out from own memory of what I saw, what I knew. The tears that my mak cried each time. Her heart was tore into tiny pieces. They were in the verge of a divorce. Even so, she always told me to respect him as a father. She told me to see good things about him. “He is a good father”, she always said to me. Nonetheless, even during the affair, he still took care of my mak. Her medical appointments. He made sure her insulin injection was enough. He made sure she ate right. At that point, all I could think of was how could he become a heartless monster of breaking my mak’s heart. She was the most beautiful person inside out. I could never forgive him for that.

Somehow, the affair ended. I avoided any contact with him…till the day my mak’s passing. He cried his heart out. I was confused. I thought he did not love her. Seeing him crying just angers me much more. He was left as a heartbroken man. I could see he was lost. Few weeks after that, he fainted and suffered stroke on his left side.

My father was a respectable Muazzin in the neighbourhood. Most of his time, it was either reciting the Holy Quran at home or him been at the mosque. That all change when my mak passed away. Gradually, he became lazier and lazier. Gradually, he distant himself from the mosque. Gradually, he far-off from his faith, from his beliefs. But, I was too angry to even care.

My Baby always said for me to find peace to forgive him, to let go of the past. I do know my mak would want me to do that too. But just enlighten me, how could I find peace to forgive my father of his wrong doings to my mak when I could not possibly find peace to forgive My Baby of his similar wrong doings too. To forgive my father is to forgive My Baby. To let go my father’s mistake is to let go My Baby’s mistake. Honestly, I do not know when I can do that when it still hurts extremely bad inside. It is a serious issue that I do really need to find comfort with. The saying only time will heal the pain is just another luxurious lie.

Today, I received an SMS from my sister that his left leg was amputated because of infection. I always know he is old. I always know he is sick, but it never really hit me that he is really that sick. I guess time is running out, if only I could find the peace to forgive and forget and not holding the past for too long. Can just someone please show me the way…?

People I knew, most of the time, thought I lead a bed of roses life. They always think my life is sunny all year long. To a certain degree, maybe they are right.  The truth is nobody actually came and asked what it is like being me. The fact remains that everyone is struggling day in and day out. It is just that some people are good at hiding them.

Years back, the love of my life once said, “At the end, before I left our problems looked this big. So, I went away. It seemed that way because we were so closed up against them blocking me from seeing how much I love you which is this big. I see that now, and I needed to tell you that because we have to say these things while you still can”.

The most beautiful woman I have ever known once said, ” One day you realised, I finally have the thing I need to be content…and then you forget. So, then, what happens is, instead of waking up every morning and counting blessings, you start looking around and thinking, what do I want now? What is the next thing I need to be content? So, you look and you look and you keep thinking you have found it, but nothing works. And the reason that nothing works is because…that hole in your heart that you are trying to fill…is actually filled. You just forgot. Do not ever forget. Always remember how much you wanted to be loved. And how much you are loved. And I think if you can do that, and it is not easy, you will stop looking and realise you already are happy and content”.

Call me Ms. been there done that…

Till I blog again…

There is a secret garden, she hides

~Nani Mansor~

 

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